An independent investigation into mechanical failure
Gabriel plays.Everybody loses.
A field journal documenting one man’s heroic commitment to being very poor at Rocket League—and, somehow, every other game too.
FINALGABRIEL 0 — 7 BASIC MECHANICS
still airborne. still confused.0Open nets scored
47Boost pads missed
∞Excuses available
Stats verified by absolutely nobody.
From the replay room
Latest disasters
01
The Open Net Incident
With twelve seconds, full boost, and nobody in goal, Gabriel discovered a bold new place to shoot: the side wall.
Read full report →02
Aerials Are Apparently Optional
Gabriel spent an entire evening jumping underneath the ball and calling it aerial practice.
Read full report →03
An Open Apology to the Fennec
A fine competitive car has been asked to endure things no vehicle should ever experience.
Read full report →Exhibit A
Excellent car. Unfortunate driver.
The Fennec deserves better.
Boxy. Dependable. Built for clean challenges and confident shots. Gabriel uses it primarily to reverse into the corner and collect small boost pads he did not need.
- Car choice
- Elite
- Driver choice
- Under review
- Goal threat
- Mostly own goal
The official verdict
“Gabriel isn’t just bad at Rocket League. He brings the same brave absence of skill to every game he touches.”
Certified
Skill Issue
Begin with the latest case file →Skill Issue